Tears after tears....
Meaningless...cry and craving for nothing...
What hurt me the most was that I haven't a chance to apologize for things that I've done to him and to tell him how much I love him... Yes, I do love him, more than everything in this world.... after 5 years we've been together, now he's gone forever!
The guilt... guilt of abandon him...guilt of treated him badly...guilt of wanting him to die! What am I doing back then?...
It just happened 5 month before... I started to imagining a happy family.. I want to get married, soon... but he didn't want to, because he just not ready yet... I was so mad and disappointed. It just that, I've been waiting too long for that, and yet, he didn't agree...but he promised, soon after I graduated which about another a year and a half more...I smile of happiness...
Since it will be a long wait, so I decided to break up... I don't want to be a couple anymore as I started to realize the sin that we've done were too much. As I grew older, I get rationalized and think for goods. And I know that this is the better way for us.. But, he didn't agree...We had a lot of fight over this... part of me, wanting him no more, kind of fed up waiting for him any longer...
Things get better.. we seldom see and call each other... but I'm happy, and I guess he's happy too...
During this period, I pray that I will love him no more and I want other better guy to be my husband! How unfaithful I am! Yes, deep in my heart, wanting him to get rid of me, so easier for me to forget him.. But I couldn't do so.. The more we far a part, the more I miss him, missing him so bad! However, somehow I manage to control the feeling where I started to keep myself busy by doing stuff (reading novels, hang out with girlfriend, online and so on)
But I never thought that my wish to be granted...Yes, finally he's gone, forever...left me here alone....it happened too sudden that I didn't have enough strength to let him go yet...But Almighty Allah, He knew everything!
I regret for the things and sin that I've done, what we've done...
I realized the lesson learned; to love no one who wasn't meant for me... because at the end of the day, I am the one who suffered the most once the love is gone... All 5 years of loving him is just a memories now... Kind of waste of time actually but its sweet...but sweet never last forever, it also came with bitterness...
So, I felt both sweetness and bitterness...this is life... a test from Allah, who make me even stronger to face the challenges in life...
Love only for Allah as love also came from Allah... InsyaAllah, when we love Allah, He's gonna love us more than we do, then He will granted us with a sacred love that meant for us forever!
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